So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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