If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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