well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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