this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
