I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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