Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
