Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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