the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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