i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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