Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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