Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
