I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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