he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
