Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
