Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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