His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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