I wish I only lived at night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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