I wish my penis had an off switch
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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