K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
