Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
