new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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