do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
