there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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