I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
