It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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