if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
