just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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