i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
