my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize