Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
