chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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