New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
