he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
