My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
