just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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