the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
