They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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