Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
