We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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