somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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