My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
