totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
