Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
