he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
