Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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