Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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