i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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