I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
MIDGETS
????
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
