So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
