he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
