My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
