Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
