Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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