I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
